Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Exit to Nowhere and Anywhere

Agency. What an interesting little concept. We have complete control in only three things in our life. And they all stem from agency. We can choose what we think, how we feel, and what we do. When my counselor told me this today I was a little amazed that I hadn't come to that conclusion already myself. I had always thought I understood agency and these three concepts but then she took to another level to say that no one has the right to take away any of those three rights. Especially my right to feel.

I have all my life given over my right to how I feel to others. In one way or another when I expressed my feelings someone told me I was wrong to feel that way. I was initially hurt, but then accepted their judgement. And slowly I gave away every last little bit of my agency. Either allowing or forcing other people to dictate everything, down to how I should feel about something. As a cute little boy in Florida says "What the heck?!"

 This reminded me of an exit I passed a few times in Georgia. I would always tease it was the exit to nowhere, or anywhere you wanted, because of the giant gap in the middle. And really, that's a lot like our lives. We are moving along and have the ability to choose where that exit is going to take us. It is our literal God given priviledge to choose where our life takes us, be it good or bad. And when we are starting to let others fill in our exit signs for us, we are giving away the only thing that was truly ours to begin with, our agency.
And I had taken the route of letting others around me make the decisions for me. And the few times I chose for myself I would let them make me feel horrible for it, like I had betrayed them. Because I had chosen to let others dictate how I felt about my actions.
And that's not our Heavenly Father's plan for us at all. Each of us is given our agency and has the right to own up to our choices and know that they are ours.
So my project for the week is to make my decisions FOR MYSELF. And express how I feel about things FOR MYSELF and not let anyone guilt me into feeling any other way. I realize that if I don't change that I am heading the path of many women who sometimes find themselves in abusive relationships.
Will you be the change with me and either start taking back your gift of agency from those you gave it to, or help someone in your life that may feel like they no longer hold that gift for themself?
love y'all!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Not a letter from Florida

Well, I think most of you know by now, but I'm not in Kansas anymore, Toto...I mean Florida. I'm in Idaho. And I'm here to tell you all why.

First off I have to say something that I haven't gotten to say in a few days. I LOVE MY MISSION!!! I love it so much. It was/is the best thing I could have ever done for my own growth. I have met so many interesting people and made so many dear friends that I can't imagine what my life would be if I had not gone. I have grown so much and learned so much about myself that I think I would have never had the time or opportunity to do. So if any of you find what follows to be a "deterrent" from serving a mission, please do not misunderstand me, I would not have it any other way.

I got sent home on a Medical Release. The feared words that I thought I would never have to hear since I was essentially healthy as a horse other than a few colds. But I have learned over the past two weeks that the Lord knows what He is doing. I have heard that there is a rumor that I have a knee injury. That is true. If you remember my post from July, I did sustain a knee injury. I was silly and tried to pull off a cool stunt that ended painful for me and the people watching. But my knee wasn't hurt enough to have me sent home. I just wear a brace a lot now to strengthen it.

And that leads me to why I am home. I deal with depression. I have had a rough go on my mission. I delt with it for a couple years in high school but assumed it was just teen angst and that I was feeling the same thing that every girl my age felt, so I did not put much stock in it when the counselors at the MTC asked me if I thought I would be ok in the mission field. I had no doubt that I was going to be performing at high capacity. But as the first few months ticked by my mood lowered and lowered until my companion had no idea how to help me and I made one of the scariest phone calls of my life. To my mission president's wife, dear Sister Barry. I had no idea what the protocol for this would be. But to my relief she said that many missionaries had problems like I did and they had me see a counselor and a doctor and after a couple months I was back to my old perky self. But again, as time wore on and the unavoidable disappointments in missionary work started stacking up I started digging back into my dark hole again. This time though dear Sister Barry came to my rescue, she knew this time it was worse and that it was time to call in the bigger guns. So she talked to a counselor and President Barry. He then talked to my counselor and the doctors that supervise us missionaries health. At that point he called me and said that "information leads to inspiration" and that he felt the need to have me come home and spend more than just snippets of time here and there on my healing and it to focus on it. So the way I see it, I have a brace on my knee and a brace on my soul. I'm just working to restrengthen both for a while.

Also, I plan to go back. I hope to be back in Florida for Christmas. I want to continue the work I was priviledged to participate in. I have decided to keep writing on here though. I won't be preaching to Florida for a while, but this gives me an opportunity to tell more about what I learned while preaching in Florida and also what I learn here as I more fully understand my Father in Heaven and accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ more in my life.

 Because in Alma 7: 11-12 it says "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

This is Change too, right?

love y'all!